Picking up the pieces.
It's been a long time... far too long. I have been through the wringer for the past 6 months. I have been in a mix of utter despair and disdain. I have ruined multiple friendships in a multitude of ways. I have reclused myself to the point that I get phone calls from people to ensure I am not dead.
There was a period of time where I simply could not function. I was overwhelmed with every emotion imaginable. I threw up more than I thought possible when one is not sick. I- I can't look myself in the mirror. I hate myself far too much for what I have done or not done to my friends. There was a period of time where I wanted to hang everything up. Close the website, walk away from the world and let myself wallow in my self-hatred. For far too long I tried to analyze what I had, what I wanted to do with my life, what I could do to make things right with people- or what would leave me worse off. I ran scenarios through my head of what could happen. It started to drive me mad. I analyzed for so long... that I fear I missed my opportunity to reconnect.
A part of me wants to say "Maybe it's for the best." How easy it could be to walk away and start up with a new group of friends... but then, I remember. I am not a sociopath. I can't burn a bridge and move on to the next person. I cannot allow that to happen.
To those who are reading this, know that 2022 has been terrible for me for several reasons. I am sorry that I could not be there for you when you needed me... That I disappeared. I find it kinda funny, I have always tried to keep an ear out when there are those that needed help; but, when I needed it most, I did the opposite and shut down. Heh, way to practice what I preach. Regardless, if you have somehow come across this post, I am sorry for my actions or inactions. You didn't deserve it. At the end of the day, I want you all to be happy... even if it is not with me.
Alas, I must pick this shambling corpse of a body back off the ground and move forward... I can't sit in my dark corner and just quietly work on VRChat Avatars for an audience of one as a means to ignore the massive hole in my chest.
And... to the one person I let down the most... you know who you are... thank you... for being my friend... I don't think that I will ever be truly happy again... but your actions and courage gives me... hope... something I could never have done alone.
I love you all.
Ed
